One morning I was out walking my cats, when they led me to a huge hole in the ground filled with all kinds of bones. “Mow, mow,” they said listlessly, gazing repeatedly from the hole up into the forest canopy. I paused, hand on my glue gun, ready to pull the sturdy plastic trigger. There was no one around though, just the scent of pine needles floating like a paper plate ghost in the crisp fall air. The cats however, especially the gnarled one, knew something was up. "...Everyone knows glue starts out as bones." What was this nearly invisible thing, clinging to the edges of my waking mind? It was something gloopy, and I knew it well. It beckoned to me daily from the dark void of my junk drawer. It lingered like a second skin upon the tips of my fingers. It was the thing that holds stuff in this world together. It was Glue.
These cats were good All Purpose cats. Trained from a young age to detect glues not only in the realms of craft, but glues in their baser forms. Everyone knows Glue starts out as bones. And if we wanted to make more glue this evening, we needed to get our calcified treasure back to the abandoned sugar shack before sundown. I quickly hooked my tarp to the cats’ harnesses and began to stack the musty bones for transport. There would be a boil on this night, and upon the morrow, Glue.
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When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one Nacho Eater to dissolve the gastronomic bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Appetizers and of the Snacking God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of all nacho eaters requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that these nachos were created for me, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain undefinable Ingredients, that among these are Chips, Cheese, and the pursuit of Chorizo. — That to secure these nachos, Sharing is instituted among nacho eaters, deriving its just powers from the consent of the Menu Readers, — That whenever any Form of Sharing (of nachos) becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Nacho Eaters to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Nacho Sharing Rules, laying their foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Satiety and Hunger. INGREDIENTS
Ten Tips for Having the Best Holiday Season Ever!
1. We love the idea of making sure your sleeping area is secure. Stock up on cheerios, plastic, and metal sheeting. It's a great way to relax and get into the spirit of the season! 2. The feet of actual animals are a kitschy alternative to traditional stockings. Fill them with the usual items, then use them later to ward off other creatures. 3. Everyone loves games. Bring a fave as a holiday hostess gift, especially if you're staying the weekend. Everyone can play it during downtime. Our top 3: "Where Does Mom Live Now?" "Keep the Worm Hot!" and "Musical Dick Switch." 4. Leave "Santa Tracks" on your porch. Stand a pair of men's work boots up outside your glass door, fill them with "blood," and sprinkle torn fabric and baby teeth around them. 5. Give “brushing your hair” a chance. Its a great way to add a bit of polish to your holiday attire, and helps people understand you are really trying to feel things again. 6. Mix and mingle fanciful objects on trays and place them in unexpected areas! Try grouping the withered hand of a saint, dad's tear-stained letters, or even the rusty paring knives from last year's dreamscape! 7. For cookie decorating with more precision and less mess, consider adding biotechnology to your pre-existing hand functions! Fingertip squirt bags are easy to install, and will continue to be useful well past St. Patty's Day. 8. A cocktail rimmed in broken glass telegraphs "holiday fun." Shatter the glass yourself, with your eyes. 9. Put up a No Dogs sign on your biodome. Good way to avoid the mess and clutter of unneccesary dogs. |