A loud ripping noise happened as we entered the black hole. My clothes flapped away as coarse brown fur began to sprout from my forearms. Otter grasped my paw and whispered the opening sentences of the Da Vinci Code backwards. We were traveling inside a gelatinous hexagon of infinite formlessness, seconds peeling away from our consciousness like tattered strips of sunburned skin. And then all at once, a dark ridge of bone appeared in the distance, enveloped in a hazy cloud of atmospheric gas.
I tried to make words and realized I had lost the power of speech. My tongue felt stiff and confused in my mouth. We saw the ridge and then suddenly we were on it, a damp cold mist clinging to our fur. “Who’s dream is this?” I tried to ask. “This is the 29th parallel,” said Otter simply, somehow understanding the clipped barking noises coming from my face. “You have been granted temporary asylum from the present.” Otter continued: “Look over there.” He gestured to a roiling pit of black sulfur I hadn’t noticed before. “That is your reality,” Otter laughed. I stared into the depths, and started to sweat.
Here at kaye, we love all things food and also things that smell like food! Each week we go through millions of recipes to find ones that are tantalizing and easy to follow. Lately we've stumbled upon lots of recipes calling for a "knob of butter." For inexperienced cooks, or regular people who just want to know how much fucking butter is in a recipe, this can be a challenge.
“Over 900 grain entrapments have been reported since 1964,” you may be thinking to yourself because you are also trapped inside an enormous tank of grain. Also you’re single. Also it’s Valentine’s Day.
Why are you crying? I can tell you’re upset about something let me guess-- A haunted doll is just too much money these days.
Let us let you in on a little secret:
Haunted dolls aren’t just for the 1% anymore.
That’s right, with a little elbow grease, a dead person’s garbage, and super specific planetary alignment, you too can lay claim to the hottest trend of 2017: An ultra feminine toy that harbors a dark cloud of spiritual energy. In this special report to Kaye, we explain how in five fool-proof, fully illustrated steps.