A loud ripping noise happened as we entered the black hole. My clothes flapped away as coarse brown fur began to sprout from my forearms. Otter grasped my paw and whispered the opening sentences of the Da Vinci Code backwards. We were traveling inside a gelatinous hexagon of infinite formlessness, seconds peeling away from our consciousness like tattered strips of sunburned skin. And then all at once, a dark ridge of bone appeared in the distance, enveloped in a hazy cloud of atmospheric gas.
I tried to make words and realized I had lost the power of speech. My tongue felt stiff and confused in my mouth. We saw the ridge and then suddenly we were on it, a damp cold mist clinging to our fur. “Who’s dream is this?” I tried to ask. “This is the 29th parallel,” said Otter simply, somehow understanding the clipped barking noises coming from my face. “You have been granted temporary asylum from the present.” Otter continued: “Look over there.” He gestured to a roiling pit of black sulfur I hadn’t noticed before. “That is your reality,” Otter laughed. I stared into the depths, and started to sweat.
we all remember watergate!
the 1970s were booming, people drove cars and smoked cigarettes and no one understood how hot alan alda actually was! it was a great time for our country, a time to be proud of both the burgeoning hotel business and sound surveillance technology! those two trends mashed their figurative genitals together and gave us watergate, amerika’s crowning political achievement.
now, women can have buh-bortions and racism is covered up with a tiny shawl so it doesn’t look as bad but is still very bad! but americans still want to know-where is our generation’s watergate? why do we have to be left out of a kooky political pajama party?
well there is good news! a source close to kaye reveals that there is a tiny new watergate that most people haven’t even heard of. that’s right, just last month, unbeknownst to most of the country, an unidentified tree frog with a little baby camera infiltrated the outdoor amphibian headquarters. in what looks like some sort of fucked up sex thing, another frog poses on the practical bed with storage drawers, unaware that everyone can see them because the headquarters is outdoors.
once the footage is released to the mainstream media, further investigation is sure to follow. in the meantime, rejoice! everything is just as good bad as it was in the seventies, except now we have diet coke!