Why are you crying? I can tell you’re upset about something let me guess-- A haunted doll is just too much money these days.
Let us let you in on a little secret:
Haunted dolls aren’t just for the 1% anymore.
That’s right, with a little elbow grease, a dead person’s garbage, and super specific planetary alignment, you too can lay claim to the hottest trend of 2017: An ultra feminine toy that harbors a dark cloud of spiritual energy. In this special report to Kaye, we explain how in five fool-proof, fully illustrated steps.
1. You don’t want just any doll. Pick a doll that gives you A Feeling and test it on A Baby. The doll should make the baby open it’s mouth and issue a distinct hissing sound, followed by a series of high pitched beeps, then probably some latin in reverse. You’re doing awesome and you’re well on your way!
2. The next thing you will need is a couple different pieces of trash, and i’ll tell you why: Trash retains psychokinetic energy, big league. Pick either a dead person’s garbage or the trash of someone who is filled with impotent rage or crushing ennui. Loose ghosts are free for the taking, but there are also plenty of people who prob wouldn’t mind hiding inside of a plastic toy right now. Let’s do this!
3. This might sound weird, but now you need to make this Na+[HCO3]– + CH3–COOH → CH3–COO– Na+ + H2O + CO2. Don’t touch!
4. Ok, you’ve got all of your ingredients and you are ready. The closest that the eight planets will come to being aligned will occur on May 6, 2492. Dig a hole the day before and include the doll, assorted trash, and the chemical compound you made 4 centuries earlier.
5. Wait like 20 min. Use your futuristic mechanical eyes to witness an ultra cool haunted bb crawl out of the hole and boop you on the nose. Or-- Did that actually happen??? Because now the doll is sitting somewhere completely different and is no longer wet. WTF!
Sit back and enjoy your efforts! Really, haunted doll should be for the people. It will only take 483 years, a lurid pink plaything, and some wet trash ;)