When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one Nacho Eater to dissolve the gastronomic bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Appetizers and of the Snacking God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of all nacho eaters requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that these nachos were created for me, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain undefinable Ingredients, that among these are Chips, Cheese, and the pursuit of Chorizo. — That to secure these nachos, Sharing is instituted among nacho eaters, deriving its just powers from the consent of the Menu Readers, — That whenever any Form of Sharing (of nachos) becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Nacho Eaters to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Nacho Sharing Rules, laying their foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Satiety and Hunger.
Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Sharing Patterns long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that Nacho Eaters are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms of sharing to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under unnecessary Sharing of Nachos, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Sharing Patterns, and to provide new Nacho Sharing Rules for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Nacho Eaters; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Sharing. The history of my former friend JESSICA is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these Nachos. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
She has refused her Assent to Sharing Laws, the most equal and necessary portions for the both of us.
She has refused to adhere to Nacho Sharing Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless the nachos were withheld from eating entirely; and when so withheld, she has utterly neglected to agree to share them.
She has refused to order more and larger plates of Nachos for the accommodation of larger parties of people, unless those people would relinquish the right to their due share of nachos, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
She has invited me to restaurants at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from where I want to go, for the sole purpose of fatiguing me into compliance with her strict nacho hoarding measures.
She has dissolved my nacho appetite repeatedly, for opposing with womanly firmness her invasions on the rights of this Nacho Eater.
She has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to appeal to my appetite for nachos, whereby the Nachos, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the Kitchen at large for their lack of audience; the Stomach remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
She has endeavoured to prevent the topping and decoration of these Nachos; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for increasing my appetite for nachos; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations to come over for snax, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Nachos.
She has obstructed the Administration of Nachos by refusing her Assent to Laws for establishing more Nachos.
She has made Nacho Eaters (me) dependent on her Will alone for the tenure of their Pig Out, and the amount and distribution of their nachos.
She has made a multitude of New Friends, and sent hither swarms of Friends to harass me and eat my nachos.
She has kept among us, in times of hunger, Standing Nachos without regard to their Cooling Temperature.
She has affected to render the Nacho Chefs independent of and superior to the Nacho Eaters.
She has combined with others to subject me to a judgement of nacho preferences precluding my enjoyment of said nachos, and has given her Assent to Acts of pretended Nacho Fervor.
For quartering large plates of gross nachos among us:
For protecting these nachos, by a mock tasting from punishment for any Food Poisoning which they should commit on the Inhabitants of my house:
For cutting off my Nacho Sharing with my other friends:
For imposing Nacho Bills on me without my Consent:
For depriving me in many cases, of the benefit of Tasting of Nachos:
For transporting me beyond my comfort zone to be taste gross nachos, like Greek flavor:
For abolishing the free System of Making your own Nachos in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary recipe for Nachos, and enlarging its Flavors so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute nachos into these Colonies
For taking away our Nachos abolishing our most valuable Toppings and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Nachos:
For suspending our own Nachos, and declaring themselves invested with power to make ones I don’t like for all dinners, forever.
She has abdicated Sharing her Nachos here, by declaring us out of Her Nacho Zone and waging Nacho War against us.
She has plundered our recipes, ravaged our cheese supplies, burnt our chips, and destroyed the salsa I really like.
She is at this time transporting large plates of nachos to compleat the works of food poisoning, dropping them on the ground, and nacho tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized Nacho Club.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. Jessica, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of this Nacho Club.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the Nacho Eaters Club of my world, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Nacho God for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these snack sessions, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Nacho Eaters are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent Nacho Eaters, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to Jessica, and that all gastronomic connection between them and Jessica, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Nacho Eaters, they have full Power to levy Nacho War, conclude Nacho Peace, contract Nacho Alliances, establish Nacho Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Nacho Eaters may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Cheese, our Chorizo, and our sacred Salsa.